Yesterday, I realized that today marks one year since I found out BWBMH was still in love with The Other Girl.
The only reason I know the exact date, btw, is because we were at a Cinqo di Mayo event when he told me. (Well, it was less of an event than "a bar with random Mexican shit thrown around promoting Corona in honor of Cinqo di Mayo," but it was definitely May 5th.)
I thought about how much pain I felt that night, how I cried non-stop for what seemed like years, and how I probably should have cut him loose right there and then, but didn't. We continued this weird, wild roller coaster ride of friendship (Or "friendship" if you prefer) for months. He even broke my heart a couple more times, believe it or not, because I let him.
This month, The Other Girl is moving here to be with him. They're going to try it out and see what happens. I've spent so much time villanizing her in all of this (though she is not without her faults, believe me), and expended so much energy hating on someone I don't even know. And for what? He's not with me, he's with her. Me hating her and wishing she'd break up with him isn't going to bring him to me, so why bother?
Especially since I don't want him anymore.
A lot has happened in the last year - I changed jobs, apartments/roommates, and my outlook on a lot of things. I'm in a much better place personally and professionally than I've been in ages. Every thing I've been through over the last year has helped me realize that I deserve so much better than what he could offer me.
In retrospect, I'd like to believe that he felt
for me. And I think that if he hadn't still been attached to The Other Girl maybe, just maybe, it would've happened for us. Part of me feels as though I have to believe that, though, just to prove to myself that I wasn't insane. But in the end, he can't give me what I need, and probably never will.
So where does that leave us? Good question. We don't talk much anymore. Ever, really. Last summer/fall, he and I saw each other a couple of times a month, either because we had tickets for an event or we just wanted to grab dinner/beers. But I stopped asking, and since he never asks, I haven't seen him since a mutual friend was in town. In January.
I'm not going to lie and say I don't miss him. I do. For all of his faults (and there are many), he is one of the funniest, smartest, sarcastic, entertaining people I know. And that's saying something. He's also, when he wants to be, one of the kindest, sweetest, and most loyal people out there. When you're in his good graces, he'd lie down in traffic for you.
I'd like to believe that if it came down to it, he'd still lie in traffic for me. But I just don't know anymore.
Part of me will always love him and want the best for him. And it would be great if we were somehow able to manuever our way back to being friends. But for now, I know in my heart that he's not the one for me.
And I'm ok with it. Really.